Singles Appreciation Day

We should declare a national Singles Appreciation day. Yes, yes, I know it’s Valentine's Day on Monday. But Valentine’s Day discriminates against those not currently seeing someone. Those of you who are aren’t coupled up and would rather not talk about it, well, I can relate. I spent several Valentine's Days alone, and I know it sucks. All the more reason to start a revolution and politically correctify^* the situation.

Don't get me wrong. There are benefits to being single. If you want to whip out a credit card and fly to Europe for the week, you just do it. If you decide to paint the bathroom green, there are no discussions. It's green. Holidays are all about your family, and you don’t have to juggle his-and-hers Thanksgivings or Christmases, coordinate vacations or report in when you're late. All purchases are your decision, and the budget for beauty salons, nail shops, and puppy chow all rests comfortably at zero. You can walk into the mall without being dragged into Express or Casual Corner, and if you want to pile up socks on the floor till laundry day, no one says a word. Well, you get the idea. It's all about you.

Society-at-large, however, alienates singles in a variety of ways, constantly finding creative means of reminding them of their perceived incompleteness. Let’s take the example of going to a movie. You call up a buddy, but his cell phone is off, so you go alone. First you stand in the ticket line with affectionate couples. When you get to the booth, the attendant peers at you over his thick glasses. “Two tickets?” “No, just one.” Asshole. He gives you the ticket and you wander into the theater. The pre-movie muzak is Endless Love, and the advertising slides promote romantic getaways in Galveston. After the movie, you're hungry and wander into a restaurant. The hostess asks, “How many?” Here we go again. Table for one. She looks at you uncertainly for a moment. “Would you rather just sit at the bar?” You look over at the bar, at the couples huddled together.

“No thank you.”

“Right this way,” she says, and leads you to a table in the back by the kitchen. As soon as you’re seated, she whisks away the other place settings, and everyone glances over at the single guy eating by himself.

Some people say they would never go out on the town alone because this is exactly what they expect to happen. For shame! Carpe diem; don’t wait for someone to come along and validate your presence in public. And besides, you can’t hide; even in the sanctuary of your own home, they’ll get to you. Coupons in the mail will offer “buy one dinner, get the second for half price.” What am I supposed to do, buy one now and one to go? “Improve your sex life,” headlines a junk e-mail in my box. What sex life? Delete. Sales people call and ask for the lady of the house. How am I supposed to answer? “You’re talkin’ to him.” Buying my house was a bad experience. “JS, an Unmarried Person” was on every form I signed. I started getting mail addressed to “Mr. And Mrs. JS.” When I met my neighbors, they asked about my wife. I told them she’s busy tending our pet unicorn.

If all the above isn’t enough, on top of all that society gives singles a National Day of Social Inadequacy, to be celebrated perhaps by attending the KRBE Broken Hearts Ball or an 8-Minute Dating Event.

We should turn it around by declaring a new holiday: a day to remind others that some are single by choice, others are single by circumstance. But everyone has value and should be made to feel included, and even appreciated, for who they are--not whom they're with. Only I can’t do it this weekend 'cause I’m taking Nora out for Valentine's.

^*I know that’s not a word. I made it up. Feel free to use it.